I like myself, really...
(are you convinced?, that was my convincing really...)
I have horrible luck.
people say awww... come on.
no it's true.
I keep trying to dig myself out of the unlucky rut. and when I think it's going good, something really crummy happens. just validating what bad luck I have.
I'm a good person, why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm a smart person, how come I can't figure out how to avoid things?
it's true I could be happier, but I don't know how, the depression never let me, I did feel happy once. it was while Jason was here. truly happy. all the pain in my body went away, I slept well, I had someone I thought cared about me. what a lie.
more bad luck.
I am a talented artist, doing something no one else is doing, I know it. why don't people see it's worthwhile?
is that bad luck?
maybe I'm delusional. maybe?
my head, my head, my aching head, still dealing with that bad luck, the Dr. decided to take out the packing. is that good or bad, I have no idea. I see her in a few hours. also I go to see a surgeon on thursday to see what he thinks. I hope there's a solution. I'm really afraid. this should have taken as long as it has.
my world is a mess, I'm a mess, I haven't been able to make art, really I was waiting for the thing on my head to close and the problem to end. it's not going away so I'm having to make things while I'm going through this. it's okay. sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it drains all over my head and face, I can't let it stop me. who know this may be the last thing I do. all I know is that I have no control over it, and I'm not going to let it control me. that's my new mantra.
I've been crying a lot today, memories were stirred up. it really makes me sad every time I think about what has happened this year. I will be glad when 2010 is over. someone told me in 2009 that 2010 would be better, what a lie, if someone says that about next year, I'll look at them and say, well duh, how could it be worse...
I can't sleep... anxious about the Dr. visit and this head thing. it's weird. I have bad headaches. I need to find out if that alright.
I'm really tired of all this.
so I got my weekly writing done. ha. daily doesn't work, I'm not that interesting right now, when I get back to real life, I'll be able to write more. for now, once a week seems fine.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
one month
one month and I still have this wound on my head. I am thoroughly depressed. the dr. I saw yesterday finally agreed that this is taking too long and prescribed another term of antibiotics. I hope it helps. I can't deal with this much longer.
I keep thinking how lousy this has been. the money that it will cost me is atrocious(so far $2500+) and added onto that dough will be another $3000 or so to get my car fixed. it should have been fixed when I noticed it in the first place 7 months ago, but my dad kept putting it off. now it needs a new transmission. f'n brilliant. unemployed and the bills keep on coming.
my life is crap, nothing's going right.
I'm not writing much, I don't want to do anything lately. everything has gotten me down. everything costs me money that I don't have.
wish something good would happen.
I keep thinking how lousy this has been. the money that it will cost me is atrocious(so far $2500+) and added onto that dough will be another $3000 or so to get my car fixed. it should have been fixed when I noticed it in the first place 7 months ago, but my dad kept putting it off. now it needs a new transmission. f'n brilliant. unemployed and the bills keep on coming.
my life is crap, nothing's going right.
I'm not writing much, I don't want to do anything lately. everything has gotten me down. everything costs me money that I don't have.
wish something good would happen.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
my head, the scarf, 39now show, making art and polar bears.
okay so....
I'm not doing a good job of regularly writing here am I?
I've been doing stuff outside of the house, yay. getting out. I've decided.
I have no control over this, but I'm not going to let it control me.
I went today to target. some groceries and snacks. I have a card. I'm hurting for cash. spending it all on supplies for my wound on my head. gauze, mostly. have to keep it clean and protected, the wound is getting better, it did ooze all day today till around 4p. tonight it has stopped but it's building up for something. it closes up. boo that means I have to wait till the dr visit to get the stuff to come out. sometimes it will do it itself. hoping for that.
I have done much art the last couple of days. I need to pull fabric for the appliqued pieces. couldn't while the thing was oozing.
I have a show on thursday, 39now.... an all womens show. I haven't been in a big show in a while. it looks like it will be good. I'm going to go. even with the wrap on my head. I will probably wear a scarf or some fabric to cover the wrap. so people don't freak out. I found a couple of things that will be fine. it's hard to find square scarves anymore. only the long rectangles. probably at those expensive dept stores but I can't afford to shop at those. people don't wear scarves.
my friend is already bugging me about another drawing. it's like a job. it's not fun. it's suppose to be fun. he thinks we can make some money. it would be nice. but it interferes sometimes. I already have a big distraction with my head.
I have this sketchbook to finish for a thing I signed up for a few months ago. I forget I have it. I tried putting it in front of me but it gets buried by other stuff. then I forget about it. then I'll see it. oh poop I have to do that. but I don't. funny. got to get on that soon. it's due in january.
I drew some polar bears for one of the pieces. they turned out cute. I still have to make them more mine. maybe the translation to fabric will change them. here they are:
I'm not doing a good job of regularly writing here am I?
I've been doing stuff outside of the house, yay. getting out. I've decided.
I have no control over this, but I'm not going to let it control me.
I went today to target. some groceries and snacks. I have a card. I'm hurting for cash. spending it all on supplies for my wound on my head. gauze, mostly. have to keep it clean and protected, the wound is getting better, it did ooze all day today till around 4p. tonight it has stopped but it's building up for something. it closes up. boo that means I have to wait till the dr visit to get the stuff to come out. sometimes it will do it itself. hoping for that.
I have done much art the last couple of days. I need to pull fabric for the appliqued pieces. couldn't while the thing was oozing.
I have a show on thursday, 39now.... an all womens show. I haven't been in a big show in a while. it looks like it will be good. I'm going to go. even with the wrap on my head. I will probably wear a scarf or some fabric to cover the wrap. so people don't freak out. I found a couple of things that will be fine. it's hard to find square scarves anymore. only the long rectangles. probably at those expensive dept stores but I can't afford to shop at those. people don't wear scarves.
my friend is already bugging me about another drawing. it's like a job. it's not fun. it's suppose to be fun. he thinks we can make some money. it would be nice. but it interferes sometimes. I already have a big distraction with my head.
I have this sketchbook to finish for a thing I signed up for a few months ago. I forget I have it. I tried putting it in front of me but it gets buried by other stuff. then I forget about it. then I'll see it. oh poop I have to do that. but I don't. funny. got to get on that soon. it's due in january.
I drew some polar bears for one of the pieces. they turned out cute. I still have to make them more mine. maybe the translation to fabric will change them. here they are:
it's time to get to sleep. I've got a drawing to work on and choosing fabric tomorrow, I think.
more soon.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
might be a waste to read but it's just writing out loud
i'm not very good at this daily stuff.
what should I say. hmmmm.
well I finished that drawing for a friend. as much as I didn't want to I did it.
I'm going to draw a polar bear next. transparent polar bears. for one of my paintings. I decided I wanted to do one after hearing Puscifer's Polar Bear. love that song. I'll post it after this.
one piece will have polar bears
another eyes
another running girls
another will have bugs and a fallen girl
another with the kitty in a sweater
I have two others that I need to think about what they should have.
I think they'll all have an addition of a bird.
blah blah blah.
I really don't have much to say tonight.
still dealing with the depression. it's just bleak in my mind. it's always so dire. and I know it's not really. but I feel it in my mind. oh to have meds. so I can concentrate and remember things. all the gloom is muddying my mind. one of the most horrible effects for me.
going to post the polar bear song now. enjoy it
what should I say. hmmmm.
well I finished that drawing for a friend. as much as I didn't want to I did it.
I'm going to draw a polar bear next. transparent polar bears. for one of my paintings. I decided I wanted to do one after hearing Puscifer's Polar Bear. love that song. I'll post it after this.
one piece will have polar bears
another eyes
another running girls
another will have bugs and a fallen girl
another with the kitty in a sweater
I have two others that I need to think about what they should have.
I think they'll all have an addition of a bird.
blah blah blah.
I really don't have much to say tonight.
still dealing with the depression. it's just bleak in my mind. it's always so dire. and I know it's not really. but I feel it in my mind. oh to have meds. so I can concentrate and remember things. all the gloom is muddying my mind. one of the most horrible effects for me.
going to post the polar bear song now. enjoy it
Friday, November 12, 2010
De press shun
it's been a few days. I haven't been feeling so much like writing
depression. such a horrible thing. feeling like I'm alone in the world. I know I'm not. but it feels so disparaging. it seems like all the bad luck in the world gravitates towards me. I can't win for losing. that means that things would be going great if they weren't going so badly. I know that you can manifest bad luck. I don't think about luck until a ton of bad things happen all at once. this time I thought things were going right 4 shows. that's a lot for me. a really good one too. 39now. that's a big show, and then the abscess on my head and my car taking a crap on top of no relationship and not having a job. it's all stuff that makes me think i'm unlucky. I'm a really good person. a generous person. a loving person. but none of that matters in this world. I keep trying. I'm a tough person. I'm wearing down, it's been a long battle with this stuff.
I've tried to get help. when I had health insurance(Kaiser) I was doing fine. meds were under control and then without notice the health insurance company dropped me. I only found out when I went to get my prescriptions and they were 500 bucks. the pharmacist told me I was dropped. no notice. no meds. I spent a couple of years trying to figure what to do. finally a friend, this year, suggested MHUC(mental health urgent care) they gave me a month of anti-depressants, a month.... nothing... they told me to go to this other place. when I went there they said they didn't deal with meds and I was turned away from them. thats the state/city funded health care. I got a letter from Kaiser Permanente saying they wanted me back, and when I called they told me they won't give it to me because of my pre-existing condition. yeah? you're the place that diagnosed the pre-existing conditions. why didn't you research that before trying to get me back. the guy that helped me told me he'd email me the application, never did. yeah, I'm not going to get you a sale, huh. I'm trying for Medi-cal, it's pending. I was told at the emergency room that I won't get it because I don't have children, I'm the responsible person, who knows I can't afford or handle children, so I get penalized. I don't know what to do. I asked the clinic I've been going to for my head if they had anything. she said that I would have to do that on my own. I found a counseling thing that's free here where I live, they don't do meds, as much as talking does it's not a substitute for the anti-depressants.
I've been waiting for the Obama Health Care Initiative to go into effect, I'm sure it will be really expensive and I won't be able to afford it. there's always going to be a road block.
I need to find a psychiatrist that will do care for low pay. is there such a thing? I don't know. I haven't found anything yet.
coming on 4 years without.
depression. such a horrible thing. feeling like I'm alone in the world. I know I'm not. but it feels so disparaging. it seems like all the bad luck in the world gravitates towards me. I can't win for losing. that means that things would be going great if they weren't going so badly. I know that you can manifest bad luck. I don't think about luck until a ton of bad things happen all at once. this time I thought things were going right 4 shows. that's a lot for me. a really good one too. 39now. that's a big show, and then the abscess on my head and my car taking a crap on top of no relationship and not having a job. it's all stuff that makes me think i'm unlucky. I'm a really good person. a generous person. a loving person. but none of that matters in this world. I keep trying. I'm a tough person. I'm wearing down, it's been a long battle with this stuff.
I've tried to get help. when I had health insurance(Kaiser) I was doing fine. meds were under control and then without notice the health insurance company dropped me. I only found out when I went to get my prescriptions and they were 500 bucks. the pharmacist told me I was dropped. no notice. no meds. I spent a couple of years trying to figure what to do. finally a friend, this year, suggested MHUC(mental health urgent care) they gave me a month of anti-depressants, a month.... nothing... they told me to go to this other place. when I went there they said they didn't deal with meds and I was turned away from them. thats the state/city funded health care. I got a letter from Kaiser Permanente saying they wanted me back, and when I called they told me they won't give it to me because of my pre-existing condition. yeah? you're the place that diagnosed the pre-existing conditions. why didn't you research that before trying to get me back. the guy that helped me told me he'd email me the application, never did. yeah, I'm not going to get you a sale, huh. I'm trying for Medi-cal, it's pending. I was told at the emergency room that I won't get it because I don't have children, I'm the responsible person, who knows I can't afford or handle children, so I get penalized. I don't know what to do. I asked the clinic I've been going to for my head if they had anything. she said that I would have to do that on my own. I found a counseling thing that's free here where I live, they don't do meds, as much as talking does it's not a substitute for the anti-depressants.
I've been waiting for the Obama Health Care Initiative to go into effect, I'm sure it will be really expensive and I won't be able to afford it. there's always going to be a road block.
I need to find a psychiatrist that will do care for low pay. is there such a thing? I don't know. I haven't found anything yet.
coming on 4 years without.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
dream
I had a dream that I worked at this place, a research place for cats, they suckered me into bringing my kitty in, and then fired me, I snuck back in because I knew all the pass codes, no one suspected me, even though I was afraid I would get caught, I went into the back room where they were housing all the cats, there were so many, I keep looking for my cat, a lot of them looked like mine, I kept calling kitty, kitty. but he didn't come to the screen, I picked one up. looked exactly like mine, but wasn't. I put him back. I found another, I grabbed it, and found a box to put it in, it wasn't mine, mine wasn't there. I fell like I wanted to rescue them all but knew I could only get one. so I folded the box down with the cat in it, and carried it out of the room. I had rescued one cat. I was sad that my cat wasn't there that meant something happened to him. there were about 20 others. that made me sad that I couldn't get more. I woke up with my heart racing. it scared me in my sleep.
the cat I was looking for passed away this year in may, he had something wrong with his leg and couldn't walk and finally gave up. I miss him.
the cat I was looking for passed away this year in may, he had something wrong with his leg and couldn't walk and finally gave up. I miss him.
Arto Lindsay, my head, pink scarf, and art making
I found this doc about Arto Lindsay, I wanted to post it all together, unfortunately I posted them in the order they go not the order they'd read. well start with the first one and go to the 8th. this is the info about Arto Lindsay:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arto_Lindsay
as for me, on monday I went to the dr. to have my head checked. it was a weird place but I got some help. some sort of break for the indigent, since I don't have health insurance and am unemployed I qualify for the same medical care the homeless get. the place I went was clean. the dr. was less than nice. but whatever. I'm there to get my wound cleaned and checked not for compassion. she cut my hair. maybe she fancies being a hairdresser, I don't know. she didn't tell me she did that, I found out when I took off the bandage yesterday morning. big chunks of hair fell out. I was horrified. I hardly have any hair as it is. then I looked closer, it was neatly cut. not broken. nice. I go back thursday morning. I hope to have the same amount of hair when I return home.
I've been wearing a bandage for over a week on my head. today I decided to leave it off for a few hours. I think I need to do that. it's looking better. when I go out and sleep i'll put the bandages on. when I'm in public I'll put on my pink scarf, since it's the only square one I own. see it's not so bad.
I was suppose to work on a drawing a friend of mine wants me to do. I didn't. I have my reasons. mostly I just didn't want to... I should work on it, I guess. I've done 3 for him. the lady he's showing them to. only liked one. the ratio isn't good. they're a lot of work and research to be turned down.
I started pinning on some fabric tonight, I had tried at the beginning of last week while I was really out of it. I looked at it later that week and hated it. I don't know what I was thinking, it was horrible. all the same color fabric and style. no variety and texture. tonight I unpinned that mess and re-pinned it with a variety of fabric and shapes. it's so much better. tomorrow I am going to attempt to sew that down. and then I'll be ready to work on the characters for the 6 new pieces. I have a few drawings ready. just need to work them out a little more. the fun part is just around the corner.
so I skipped a day of writing. I was doodling around all day yesterday. doing nothing. feeling nothing. it's really boring when I do that.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arto_Lindsay
as for me, on monday I went to the dr. to have my head checked. it was a weird place but I got some help. some sort of break for the indigent, since I don't have health insurance and am unemployed I qualify for the same medical care the homeless get. the place I went was clean. the dr. was less than nice. but whatever. I'm there to get my wound cleaned and checked not for compassion. she cut my hair. maybe she fancies being a hairdresser, I don't know. she didn't tell me she did that, I found out when I took off the bandage yesterday morning. big chunks of hair fell out. I was horrified. I hardly have any hair as it is. then I looked closer, it was neatly cut. not broken. nice. I go back thursday morning. I hope to have the same amount of hair when I return home.
I've been wearing a bandage for over a week on my head. today I decided to leave it off for a few hours. I think I need to do that. it's looking better. when I go out and sleep i'll put the bandages on. when I'm in public I'll put on my pink scarf, since it's the only square one I own. see it's not so bad.
I was suppose to work on a drawing a friend of mine wants me to do. I didn't. I have my reasons. mostly I just didn't want to... I should work on it, I guess. I've done 3 for him. the lady he's showing them to. only liked one. the ratio isn't good. they're a lot of work and research to be turned down.
I started pinning on some fabric tonight, I had tried at the beginning of last week while I was really out of it. I looked at it later that week and hated it. I don't know what I was thinking, it was horrible. all the same color fabric and style. no variety and texture. tonight I unpinned that mess and re-pinned it with a variety of fabric and shapes. it's so much better. tomorrow I am going to attempt to sew that down. and then I'll be ready to work on the characters for the 6 new pieces. I have a few drawings ready. just need to work them out a little more. the fun part is just around the corner.
so I skipped a day of writing. I was doodling around all day yesterday. doing nothing. feeling nothing. it's really boring when I do that.
Monday, November 8, 2010
I need to get into the practice of writing again
so with the best intentions I was going to start back blogging every day, I posted the first about my show's in november on the 29th, then it stopped.
on the 31st of October, I was working at the bird center (IBRRC) I had a lump on my head that was hurting, well at some point it exploded and the thing got really huge in a matter of an hour. I rushed to my dads. he rushed me to the emergency. I had an abscess. it wasn't good. they had to lance it and drain it. for a week now I've been dealing with an ever changing wound and swelling, dr's, and all kinds of things I wasn't expecting.
pictures of the stages of my face are here:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=244894&id=555858035
I missed two of my shows. I was sad.
I've missed two days with the birds. I am bummed.
the wound is getting better. it's still open, which means I really can't do much. the antibiotics I'm taking are effected by the sun, so I've been cooped up in the house. god I'm bored.
I was so depressed, because I really couldn't do anything and was here alone. I started a drawing series in the last couple of days because I was feeling well enough to pick up a pencil. "Cats in Sweaters". It's making me happy. look how cute:
there will be more cat's in sweaters to come. I plan on the bottom one being a part of a painting, not sure if all of them will. but that one's for sure.
so i've written something, I am going to try to every day. I can't guarantee it but I'm going to make my best effort.
on the 31st of October, I was working at the bird center (IBRRC) I had a lump on my head that was hurting, well at some point it exploded and the thing got really huge in a matter of an hour. I rushed to my dads. he rushed me to the emergency. I had an abscess. it wasn't good. they had to lance it and drain it. for a week now I've been dealing with an ever changing wound and swelling, dr's, and all kinds of things I wasn't expecting.
pictures of the stages of my face are here:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=244894&id=555858035
I missed two of my shows. I was sad.
I've missed two days with the birds. I am bummed.
the wound is getting better. it's still open, which means I really can't do much. the antibiotics I'm taking are effected by the sun, so I've been cooped up in the house. god I'm bored.
I was so depressed, because I really couldn't do anything and was here alone. I started a drawing series in the last couple of days because I was feeling well enough to pick up a pencil. "Cats in Sweaters". It's making me happy. look how cute:
there will be more cat's in sweaters to come. I plan on the bottom one being a part of a painting, not sure if all of them will. but that one's for sure.
so i've written something, I am going to try to every day. I can't guarantee it but I'm going to make my best effort.
Friday, October 29, 2010
November Shows
I'm going to be in 4 shows during the month of November. it's exciting to have that many coming up at once. please show some love and make it to at least one or two or three or four!
1. Top of the Dome 7 @ Crewest
110 Winston St
Los Angeles, CA 90013
November 6
6-9p
I'll have a skull in this show.
2. Corporale/Bleicher Grand Opening
355 North La Brea Ave.
Los Angeles, CA. 90036
November 6
6:30-10:30p
'The Weight of Waiting' will be at this show.
3. 39Now @ Den Contemporary Art
Pacific Design Center
8687 Melrose Ave. #B261
West Hollywood, CA. 90069
November 18
5:30-8p
'Uneven' will be at this show.
4. Arroyo Arts Collective Discovery Tour
(more info to come about this)
November 21
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