I've been busy

so I've been busy,

I've been working on a new body of art, 7 pieces to be exact, it's taking forever. I am finally finished with all the sewing, and I can say that with confidence, yes, I am finished with all the sewing on those 7 pieces.

I'll post the work in progress images after I'm done writing, the pieces aren't done, I have a long way to go.

Also I've been applying for a teaching job. Printmaking, it's what I got my degree in. it's fortuitous, I've hit a big road block along the way. I need a copy of official transcripts. I thought that's fine. I'll get them easily. well... not so easy. I paid for them and waited a week, got a letter in the mail to call the school because they weren't going to release them till I did, so I called the next day, they won't release my transcripts till I pay off my student loan.  around 3800 bucks. well I haven't had a job since June and before that it was in 2001 that I had my last retail job. I have never been able to afford to pay them back. the school is holding my transcripts hostage and of course the other school that I'm applying to wants official transcripts. I have a set of unofficial ones. I am going to send them along. the dream job is just that a dream. I don't know how they expect people to get work if they can't get something that is required  for a job. I hope they overlook the unofficial. do you think they will? 

there always seems to be an obstacle with everything I do. continuously unlucky...

I think the last thing that happened to me was my head abscess. well it's closed now, it's not pretty, but the good thing that happened with that is that I got my diabetes meds and also hair is growing back. I had a bald spot there before. yay. hair. lol.

I'm not bad...I'm just draw that way.

I like myself, really...

(are you convinced?, that was my convincing really...)

I have horrible luck.

people say awww... come on.

 no it's true.

I keep trying to dig myself out of the unlucky rut. and when I think it's going good, something really crummy happens.  just validating what bad luck I have.

I'm a good person, why do bad things happen to good people?

I'm a smart person, how come I can't figure out how to avoid things?

it's true I could be happier, but I don't know how, the depression never let me, I did feel happy once. it was while Jason was here. truly happy. all the pain in my body went away, I slept well, I had someone I thought cared about me. what a lie.

more bad luck.

I am a talented artist, doing something no one else is doing, I know it. why don't people see it's worthwhile?

is that bad luck?

maybe I'm delusional. maybe?

my head, my head, my aching head, still dealing with that bad luck, the Dr. decided to take out the packing. is that good or bad, I have no idea. I see her in a few hours. also I go to see a surgeon on thursday to see what he thinks. I hope there's a solution. I'm really afraid. this should have taken as long as it has.

my world is a mess, I'm a mess, I haven't been able to make art, really I was waiting for the thing on my head to close and the problem to end. it's not going away so I'm having to make things while I'm going through this. it's okay. sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it drains all over my head and face, I can't let it stop me. who know this may be the last thing I do. all I know is that I have no control over it,  and I'm not going to let it control me. that's my new mantra.

I've been crying a lot today, memories were stirred up. it really makes me sad every time I think about what has happened this year. I will be glad when 2010 is over. someone told me in 2009 that 2010 would be better, what a lie,  if someone says that about next year, I'll look at them and say, well duh, how could it be worse...

I can't sleep... anxious about the Dr. visit and this head thing. it's weird. I have bad headaches. I need to find out if that alright.

I'm really tired of all this.

so I got my weekly writing done. ha. daily doesn't work, I'm not that interesting right now, when I get back to real life, I'll be able to write more. for now, once a week seems fine.

new sweater cat!

not much to say, but I want to share the new sweater cat. CU Cat.

one month

one month and I still have this wound on my head. I am thoroughly depressed. the dr. I saw yesterday finally agreed that this is taking too long and prescribed another term of antibiotics. I hope it helps. I can't deal with this much longer.

I keep thinking how lousy this has been. the money that it will cost me is atrocious(so far $2500+) and added onto that dough will be another $3000 or so to get my car fixed. it should have been fixed when I noticed it in the first place 7 months ago, but my dad kept putting it off. now it needs a new transmission. f'n brilliant. unemployed and the bills keep on coming.

my life is crap, nothing's going right.

I'm not writing much, I don't want to do anything lately. everything has gotten me down. everything costs me money that I don't have.

wish something good would happen.

my head, the scarf, 39now show, making art and polar bears.

okay so....

I'm not doing a good job of regularly writing here am I?

I've been doing stuff outside of the house, yay. getting out. I've decided.

I have no control over this, but I'm not going to let it control me.

I went today to target. some groceries and snacks. I have a card. I'm hurting for cash. spending it all on supplies for my wound on my head. gauze, mostly. have to keep it clean and protected, the wound is getting better, it did ooze all day today till around 4p. tonight it has stopped but it's building up for something. it closes up. boo that means I have to wait till the dr visit to get the stuff to come out. sometimes it will do it itself. hoping for that.

I have done much art the last couple of days. I need to pull fabric for the appliqued pieces. couldn't while the thing was oozing.

I have a show on thursday, 39now.... an all womens show. I haven't been in a big show in a while. it looks like it will be good. I'm going to go. even with the wrap on my head. I will probably wear a scarf or some fabric to cover the wrap. so people don't freak out.  I found a couple of things that will be fine.  it's hard to find square scarves anymore. only the long rectangles. probably at those expensive dept stores but I can't afford to shop at those. people don't wear scarves.

my friend is already bugging me about another drawing. it's like a job. it's not fun. it's suppose to be fun. he thinks we can make some money. it would be nice. but it interferes sometimes. I already have a big distraction with my head.

I have this sketchbook to finish for a thing I signed up for a few months ago. I forget I have it. I tried putting it in front of me but it gets buried by other stuff. then I forget about it. then I'll see it. oh poop I have to do that. but I don't. funny. got to get on that soon. it's due in january.

I drew some polar bears for one of the pieces. they turned out cute. I still have to make them more mine. maybe the translation to fabric will change them.  here they are:

it's time to get to sleep. I've got a drawing to work on and choosing fabric tomorrow, I think. 

more soon.

PUSCIFER Polar Bear (w/lyrics)

might be a waste to read but it's just writing out loud

i'm not very good at this daily stuff.

what should I say. hmmmm.

well I finished that drawing for a friend. as much as I didn't want to I did it.

I'm going to draw a polar bear next. transparent polar bears. for one of my paintings.  I decided I wanted to do one after hearing Puscifer's Polar Bear. love that song. I'll post it after this.

one piece will have polar bears
another eyes
another running girls
another will have bugs and a fallen girl
another with the kitty in a sweater
I have two others that I need to think about what they should have.

I think they'll all have an addition of a bird.

blah blah blah.

I really don't have much to say tonight.

still dealing with the depression. it's just bleak in my mind. it's always so dire. and I know it's not really. but I feel it in my mind. oh to have meds. so I can concentrate and remember things. all the gloom is muddying my mind. one of the most horrible effects for me.

going to post the polar bear song now. enjoy it