I'm not bad...I'm just draw that way.

I like myself, really...

(are you convinced?, that was my convincing really...)

I have horrible luck.

people say awww... come on.

 no it's true.

I keep trying to dig myself out of the unlucky rut. and when I think it's going good, something really crummy happens.  just validating what bad luck I have.

I'm a good person, why do bad things happen to good people?

I'm a smart person, how come I can't figure out how to avoid things?

it's true I could be happier, but I don't know how, the depression never let me, I did feel happy once. it was while Jason was here. truly happy. all the pain in my body went away, I slept well, I had someone I thought cared about me. what a lie.

more bad luck.

I am a talented artist, doing something no one else is doing, I know it. why don't people see it's worthwhile?

is that bad luck?

maybe I'm delusional. maybe?

my head, my head, my aching head, still dealing with that bad luck, the Dr. decided to take out the packing. is that good or bad, I have no idea. I see her in a few hours. also I go to see a surgeon on thursday to see what he thinks. I hope there's a solution. I'm really afraid. this should have taken as long as it has.

my world is a mess, I'm a mess, I haven't been able to make art, really I was waiting for the thing on my head to close and the problem to end. it's not going away so I'm having to make things while I'm going through this. it's okay. sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it drains all over my head and face, I can't let it stop me. who know this may be the last thing I do. all I know is that I have no control over it,  and I'm not going to let it control me. that's my new mantra.

I've been crying a lot today, memories were stirred up. it really makes me sad every time I think about what has happened this year. I will be glad when 2010 is over. someone told me in 2009 that 2010 would be better, what a lie,  if someone says that about next year, I'll look at them and say, well duh, how could it be worse...

I can't sleep... anxious about the Dr. visit and this head thing. it's weird. I have bad headaches. I need to find out if that alright.

I'm really tired of all this.

so I got my weekly writing done. ha. daily doesn't work, I'm not that interesting right now, when I get back to real life, I'll be able to write more. for now, once a week seems fine.