De press shun

it's been a few days. I haven't been feeling so much like writing

depression. such a horrible thing. feeling like I'm alone in the world. I know I'm not. but it feels so disparaging.  it seems like all the bad luck in the world gravitates towards me. I can't win for losing. that means that things would be going great if they weren't going so badly. I know that you can manifest bad luck. I don't think about  luck until a ton of bad things happen all at once. this time I thought things were going right 4 shows. that's a lot for me. a really good one too. 39now. that's a big show, and then the abscess on my head and my car taking a crap on top of no relationship and not having a job. it's all stuff that makes me think i'm unlucky. I'm a really good person. a generous person. a loving person. but none of that matters in this world. I keep trying. I'm a tough person.  I'm wearing down, it's been a long battle with this stuff.

 I've tried to get help. when I had health insurance(Kaiser) I was doing fine. meds were under control and then without notice the health insurance company dropped me. I only found out when I went to get my prescriptions and they were 500 bucks. the pharmacist told me I was dropped. no notice. no meds.  I spent a couple of years trying to figure what to do. finally a friend, this year, suggested MHUC(mental health urgent care) they gave me a month of anti-depressants, a month.... nothing... they told me to go to this other place. when I went there they said they didn't deal with meds and I was turned away from them. thats the state/city funded health care. I got a letter from Kaiser Permanente saying they wanted me back, and when I called they told me they won't give it to me because of my pre-existing condition. yeah? you're the place that diagnosed the pre-existing conditions. why didn't you research that before trying to get me back. the guy that helped me told me he'd email me the application, never did. yeah, I'm not going to get you a sale, huh. I'm trying for Medi-cal, it's pending. I was told at the emergency room that I won't get it because I don't have children, I'm the responsible person, who knows I can't afford or handle children, so I get penalized. I don't know what to do. I asked the clinic I've been going to for my head if they had anything. she said that I would have to do that on my own. I found a counseling thing that's free here where I live, they don't do meds, as much as talking does it's not a substitute for the anti-depressants.

I've been waiting for the Obama Health Care Initiative to go into effect, I'm sure it will be really expensive and I won't be able to afford it.  there's always going to be a road block.

I need to find a psychiatrist that will do care for low pay. is there such a thing? I don't know. I haven't found anything yet.

coming on 4 years without.